tv in the eighties

via Daily Prompt: Vice

Today’s prompt took me in a completely different direction than I would have thought.  Vice led to Miami Vice and that led to television shows in the eighties.

Show of hands, how many of you grew up in the eighties??  What was your favorite television show?  I can remember watching shows like Alf, Growing Pains, The Wonder Years and The A-Team.

But, Miami Vice was one of my favorites.  I guess, being a kid back then, I didn’t realize how serious the show was.  Back in the eighties, the time when the cocaine craze was taking place, a lot of the episodes focused on two Miami cops solving cases involving drugs and murder.  Of course, it was just entertainment, right?!  The main hype was the eye candy in the form of Don Johnson’s character, the “stylish” clothes worn by the duo and the upbeat soundtrack of the show.  Every episode involved a bad guy, an action-packed hour of Crockett and Tubbs chasing them down, and they always got their man!

Today was a good day, a lot of reminiscing about the good things of the past.  Honestly, there’s not much good I remember from back in those days, maybe that’s why I can remember the shows I liked.  They were always a good escape from reality.

 

 

before and after

The sky is blue, no clouds in sight
A smile on her face and laughter in her eyes.
Special times with her friends around
Every moment her own, she revels in every sound.
Taking joy in the small things and not a care in the world
She's your average, happy teenage girl.

One day she wakes up and thinks she's in love
And her whole life changes...

The sky has turned black and the storm clouds are grey
No smile on her face, it's been gone for days.
Her friends tried to help so he pushed them away
She constantly worries, afraid of what she might say.
More afraid of his reaction than anything else,
She keeps her mouth shut and loses another piece of herself.

growing up mommy (pt. 5):

via Daily Prompt: Expert

…continued from growing up mommy (pt. 4)

A little about my oldest…

He was a momma’s boy. We are talking about his bio mom.  When we won custody of them, we picked them up on a Sunday night.  We got home and I began to cook dinner.  He was helping me in the kitchen and just out of the blue, he said, “I really wanted to live with momma.”  I told him I understood and I knew this must be hard for him.  But I assured him that his mother would always be a part of his life.  Then he told me that she sat all three of them down and said that since they were living with me, they could call me momma if they wanted to.  He told me that he’d never feel comfortable calling me that.  My first thought was, how could a mother tell her kids it’s ok to call another woman that and my second thought was disappointment that he wouldn’t feel comfortable calling me that.  Again, this was a new experience for me.  I was definitely not an expert on the emotions of children.  Boy was I going to learn!  Right off the bat, the other two were “momma this and momma that…”  I have to admit, I liked it.

We got engaged and then it happened…

About a year after the kids moved in, their father proposed to me. I remember my oldest saying that maybe when we got married, he might be ok calling me momma.  I really think that up until I had an engagement ring on my finger, he had hopes that his mother and father would get back together.  That didn’t bother me.  I mean, it’s normal for kids to want their parents together, but I think he realized it wasn’t going to happen when we got engaged.  So a couple of months later, we were sitting down to dinner.  It was his turn to say the blessing.  I can still remember the words… Dear God, thank you for this food and thank you for my family, please bless daddy and momma and my brother and sister.  Amen.  I am not sure I would have questioned it and fortunately, I didn’t have to. When he was done, he looked at me and said, “Did you hear what I said?”  I responded with a yes and he replied, “I was talking about you, momma.”  I have to admit, I got a little emotional.  Actually, after I hugged him and told him I loved him,  I went straight to my bedroom and cried like a baby.  It was a big step for him for so many reasons.

He now knows where we stand…

I know he was afraid that he was betraying his biological mom, even though she told him it was ok. This is why I never pushed him regarding his feelings for me.  I just hoped that one day he would realize that I loved him and wanted what was best for him.  Through a lot of years and a lot of ups and downs, he knows exactly how I feel today.  He is my son and nothing will ever change that.

We have such an amazing relationship…

i am not a mistake

I was fifteen.  I was at my boyfriend’s house and my mom called me and told me I had to come home.  Something was wrong, I could hear it in her voice.  As I walked the half block home, I was anxious and afraid.  I had no idea what I was going home to, but it couldn’t be good.  It was never good.

As I walked up the steps to the front door, I could already hear them yelling.  I opened the door and heard the words more clearly, she was yelling at him.  “I make one mistake and you’re going to hold it against me for the rest of my life!”  

That’s the day I learned that I was a mistake.  I believed it.  I spent most of my adult life believing it.  I believed that I was the reason he was not happy and the reason why he acted the way he did towards me.  That’s why he couldn’t be proud of me and why he resented me.  It took many, many years for me to realize it wasn’t true. 

I am NOT a mistake, God doesn’t make mistakes.  I am thankful and blessed that I have a Heavenly Father that made me and loves me.

mama bear

written from my daughter’s perspective based on several conversations regarding this incident…

“She must be out of her mind! She has no idea who she’s messing with!”

As I sat on my bed crying, watching my mom scroll through my phone, it was obvious that she wasn’t going to let this go. It was no secret that my best friend and I had a falling out weeks ago.  We weren’t speaking, but up until this point, that was the extent of it.  Then, when I woke up for school this morning, I did what I always do, I hopped on Twitter to see what all my friends were up to.  To my utter surprise, this girl was trashing me to all “our” friends.  Needless to say, I got upset and when mom came in to tell me she was leaving for work, she took one look at my face and knew something was wrong.  I couldn’t hide it.  I told her what happened and she grabbed my phone off the desk and started reading every little detail.

“You stay home today and just relax, I’ll take care of this.”

She’ll take care of it? What was she talking about?  What was she going to do?  I had never seen her so angry.  She was absolutely livid.  Stay home?  I don’t miss school, but I couldn’t muster a protest.  I just nodded my head, she kissed me and walked out of the room.

It wouldn’t be until later that afternoon that I found out she had confronted my former friend. In the parking lot.  Of the school.  In front of everyone.  I was told she didn’t yell and scream, but spoke very calmly.  However, she told the girl in no uncertain terms, to leave me alone.  Looking back now, I can honestly laugh.  Picturing my mom standing there, pointing and wagging her finger while lecturing her about cyber bullying, what an image that brings to my mind.  I also gained a little perspective on my mom that day.  She would always share memes about being a mama bear and how nobody should mess with her children, etc, but mom doesn’t like confrontation.  It was quite a shock to see her as angry as she was about me being emotionally hurt.  You always hear people say that “you’ll understand when you have kids.”  I think, that day, I gained a little of that understanding.  It just made realize how much my mom loves me.  Not like I didn’t believe she loved me before, but you know what I mean.  She would do anything for me and I’m so grateful to have a mom like that.

 

growing up mommy (pt. 4)

…a continuation of growing up mommy (pt. 3)

So much has happened…

I guess I should start by saying that my kids have not seen their biological mother in six and a half years.  You may be asking yourself, “How does that happen?”  Well, a lot of things took place that eventually got us to our current situation. None of these things were good.

Priorities…

As you can imagine, it takes a lot for a mother to lose custody of her children. I don’t want to go into too much detail on specific events, because 1) this isn’t about her losing custody, it’s about me learning how to be a mom and 2) some things should just be kept private. What I will say is that there were drugs involved. With that being said, addiction can cause a person to do some pretty crazy things. They are just not themselves and they lose sight of their priorities. Let’s just say our kids were not a priority to her. Their safety and well-being were put on the back burner during visitation weekends and things happened. Eventually, we had to take a stand in order to protect them. We made the decision that she could not take the children anywhere or be alone with them. She didn’t argue.

I did what I had to…

I never wanted to take her place, but that’s where I found myself… being Momma. For the last ten years, these three amazing gifts from God have been my life. Well, them along with their daddy. We’ve had struggles, the usual ups and downs. Along the way, my husband shared God with me and I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. My son and daughter did the same (my oldest is still struggling, but we can talk about that later). The last ten years have been the craziest, happiest and most rewarding years of my life.  My world, that used to seem like a miniature model without much significance, grew into something that I’d never imagined.  I can’t say I would change anything, but I can say that I wish their mother could have experienced all that I have. Instead, she’s missed out on the most important parts of their lives.

She was allowed to come to our house to visit, she could call them, text them or communicate with them on Facebook. We did NOT want to cut her out of their lives.

Unfortunately, she did that on her own…

For the first two years that we implemented supervised visitation, she had no contact with them and when she finally came around, they wanted nothing to do with her, that’s where we are today… six and a half years later.

Time flies…

Now the “kids” are 16, 18 and 21 and they are still teaching me what it means to be a mom.

 

 

 

 

thankful for the memory

Learning

I have often wondered what it would be like to raise a child from birth. My babies came to me when they were six, seven and eleven.  I wasn’t there when they were learning how to take their first steps or when they said their first words.  I have wondered what it would be like if I was there from the beginning.  I know that everything worked out exactly the way it was supposed to, but I know I would have enjoyed being there for those special moments, just as much as I enjoyed being there for all the special moments since.

I was thankful that I was able to experience a one moment that I thought had passed. All three of my kids already knew how to tie their shoes by the time I had met them.  But, there was a time when the craze was to tie your shoes in a knot, under the tongue and lose enough that you could slip on your shoes without untying and re-tying them.  Needless to say, my boys went about six months without having to tie their shoes the typical way.  I can remember being in the living room when I heard muffled, frustrated sounds coming from the bedroom.  I walked in to see my youngest sitting on the bed trying to tie his new shoes.  I asked him what was wrong and in the saddest, most pathetic voice he could muster, he said, “I forgot how to tie my shoes!”  Poor baby was almost in tears.  I told him that since he hadn’t had to tie his shoes in a while, it wasn’t bad that he had forgotten how to do it.  After showing him how to tie a perfect bow and praising him that it only took a few minutes for him to master the process, I told him how happy I was that he had forgotten in the first place.  He looked at me like I had two heads!  I then explained how I missed out on teaching him things when he was little, so it made me feel good that I got to teach him how to tie his shoes.  With a smile and a hug, he said, “It’s ok that you missed all that stuff, cause you can teach me a lot of other stuff now!”  That made my heart smile and I’ve enjoyed teaching him “stuff” for the last ten years!

 

my “to do” list

Exhausted is an understatement
There’s always so much to do
When I get one task finished
It seems like it’s replaced by two
I make a list to keep things simple
And try to go one by one
But when you have a list of fifty
It feels like you’ll never get it done 
I’d like to sleep for just a while
Maybe an hour or two or even three
But errands, kids and housework too
 just won’t let me be
I guess I shouldn’t really complain
I’m happy with my life
But my bed seems to call my name
Morning, noon and night!



			

is it worth the risk?

Can we all agree that past events can affect the future?  Things that happen to us when we are young leave wounds.  Some of those wounds turn into scars that never fully heal.  Once the feelings from those events are imprinted on your brain, it will affect the way that you act and react in certain situations.  A past betrayal causes one not to trust.  A past abandonment makes one less likely to open up and allow others to fully know them.  The examples are endless.

Let’s say, you never deal with the past, but move on the best you can.  You manage to have what most would consider a semi-normal life.  You’re happy and you’re getting along pretty well.  Something happens, someone says or does something that brings all your old feelings about the past back to the forefront of your mind.  Should you leave it alone or should you, potentially, jeopardize your present situation by delving into the past?

I honestly don’t know the answer.  I can tell you my choice, I went there.  I went back to all the dark places in my past.  I confronted my demons.  My present and future life has been forever changed.  I can’t say everything is resolved, however, my feelings were made known.  There may be tension and turmoil for some, but I can honestly say I am at peace with the situation.  I used to think I needed an apology from the ones who hurt me in order to get that peace.  Now, I realize I just needed them to know how I felt and I needed to forgive them, even if they didn’t ask for it.  This, I can live with.