There was always something missing. I had a craving that was so strong, it felt as if it could never be satisfied.
I just wanted to feel loved. I didn’t think that was too much to ask. Love from my family, from my friends, and from whoever I was dating at the time. I definitely heard the phrase “I love you” more than a few times, but it just wasn’t enough.
Thinking back, I’m not sure what I wanted. Maybe I needed someone to show me they loved me instead of just tell me. No, that’s not exactly true. I believe people tried to show me, but I just didn’t feel it. At the time, I don’t think anyone could have done or said anything that would satisfy my insatiable need to feel loved. I had a counselor once describe my need like this… You have this bucket, and everyone continues to pour love into it. The problem is, your bucket doesn’t have a bottom. So no matter what they do, your bucket will never be filled.
How devastating is that, knowing I would never feel completely loved? That just wasn’t acceptable, so I began a quest. I’m not sure what I expected to find, but I needed answers.
I began to think about why I had this need to feel loved. I guess that’s just part of being human. Then I thought about why I didn’t feel loved. I mean, people told me they loved me all the time. It wasn’t them, it was me! Like a light bulb going on over my head, just that quick, I realized that I didn’t love myself. How could I accept love from others if I didn’t think I was worthy of love.
I needed to change my way of thinking, but I wasn’t sure how to go about it. I began to question everything. I began to analyze and over analyze everything I felt, my every reaction to things people said and did. This was such a long process, but I knew I would find answers if I persisted.
At the end of my journey, I found the most amazing love. I found a love that made me whole. I found the one missing piece to my life’s puzzle. I found Jesus Christ and He is love. I am a sinner and although I didn’t deserve it, Jesus died for me. Because He loves me.
In 1 John 4:16, the Bible says “And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him.”
Because of Jesus, my bucket is finally full, my craving is finally satisfied.