what if… (conclusion)

He walked over to the table and picked up the cup of coffee she’d poured for him. He didn’t disagree, they definitely needed to talk, but he wasn’t sure he’d like what she had to say. He tried to act as if her words wouldn’t affect his entire life.

As he studied her face, he noticed it grow red under his scrutinizing stare. “I’m not sure I have anything else to say. I am pretty sure I’d said everything I needed to the last time we talked.”

She felt her face grow flush, why was she so nervous? He was, is, her best friend. He’s not supposed to make her nervous. “Then I guess I need to talk.”

She’d been trying to come up with the words all night. He’d passed out shortly after she’d put him in bed. The last thing he’d said to her was that she was ruining everything. She knew he didn’t mean it, he was angry and drunk. So while he was still yelling, she slipped out of his room and headed downstairs. She’d thought she might be able to get a couple of hours of sleep, but sleep evaded her.  Too much thinking, she was sure. Her mind had raced all night. She thought about how much she loved him. Yes, she felt the same way about him as he did about her. Only he was first to admit it. And what did she do? She ran.  She had always run. She had run from anyone who ever tried to get close to her. He had gotten closer than most, but it wasn’t close enough. She remembered how he told her that he loved her and wanted to be more than friends. They had spent more time together in the last three years than she’d ever spent with anyone. But there was nothing to risk in friendship. But now, he wanted more. And so did she, but she was scared. She just didn’t want to get hurt. As she watched the sun rise from his back porch, she decided that she couldn’t risk it. She had to tell him she just wanted to remain friends and if he couldn’t handle it? She’d probably lose him forever. Better now than later, after she’d fallen even harder for him. She’d made up her mind, she just couldn’t risk more hurt.

“I’m all ears.” His voice pulled her from her thoughts and she looked up to meet his stare.

She saw his face, annoyed and frustrated. It made her laugh. That’s when she realized, he always made her laugh. Not once since she’d known him had he hurt her. He’d never made her cry. In that moment, she knew, she’d risk anything for the happy ever after that they deserved. She also knew that he would do anything to give her that happy ever after.

“I don’t find this funny at all,” he said as he sat his coffee cup back on the table.

She opened her mouth to say something, but no words came. It was now or never, she thought. She got up, walked over to him and wrapped her arms around his neck. She could tell he was surprised, but he didn’t move a muscle.

“I love you,” she said and then gently laid her lips on his.

He pulled her close and deepened the kiss and felt an immediate sense of relief when she didn’t pull away.  He felt her body melt into his and he knew this was everything he’d ever wanted. He knew he would do anything to make her his forever.

what if…

He woke up this morning to a dull throbbing in his head. He looked around and realized he was in his bedroom, in his bed, but he couldn’t recall how he got there. Memories of the night before came flooding back. When he thought about how much alcohol he had consumed last night, he was surprised his headache wasn’t much worse. He could deal with his head hurting, but the pain in his heart… well that was the real issue. He hadn’t meant to go to the bar, but he knew she’d be there. He planned to leave it alone for a while, let things settle down. After all, it’s not every day you tell your best friend that you’re in love with her. But he’d said it. After months of agony, trying to muster up the courage to tell her his true feelings, he’d finally done it. He wasn’t sure what he expected her reaction to be, but he thought she’d say something. Instead, he saw a fleeting smile that was replaced immediately by a look of pure shock and then she just turned and walked out the door without a word. It had been five days. She wouldn’t return his texts or answer his calls. They hadn’t gone a day without speaking, in one form or another, in the last three years. He just couldn’t leave things unfinished. So here he was, sitting at a booth in her favorite bar, just watching her. He knew he probably looked like a creeper, but he couldn’t help himself. He had to see her. So he watched while she talked with her friends, while she turned down drink after drink that was sent to her from multiple guys and he saw how her face looked pained every time she glanced in his direction. Was he the cause of that pain? With that thought, he ordered his third pitcher of beer. And that was all he remembered.

She couldn’t believe he was here. She wasn’t ready to face him or her feelings. They’d been friends for three years. They had been there for each other when relationships ended, through struggles with other friends and struggles with work. He was her rock when her mom had died. He knew her relationship with her mom hadn’t been anywhere close to normal. He knew she had unresolved issues where her mom was concerned. He knew everything. He held her when she had cried, he let her scream at him when she was angry and he assured her he’d be there for her no matter what. And he was. Then he had to start with that I love you stuff. Not I love you like you’re my best friend, but I love you and I want more than friendship stuff. She had imagined him saying these things to her, but never thought it would actually happen. Happiness hit her first and she tried to hide her smile, and then pure fear took over.  She had to get out of there, so she turned around and walked out. He’d called her several times, texted her over and over in the last few days, but she didn’t know what to say. And now, here he was. At first, she thought about joining him in the booth so they could talk, but she wasn’t brave enough yet. And when he ordered that last pitcher of beer, she knew it was too late. He very rarely had more than a few drinks when they went out, but the same thing always happened. She always took him home while he argued with her the entire way and had absolutely no recollection of the events the next day. Last night was no different. She saw him leave the booth while trying to fish his keys out of his pocket. She followed him out the door and told him that he couldn’t drive. He spouted something about her pretending to care. She could easily manipulate him when he was angry drunk, eventually she got him into the passenger seat of her car. He continued to argue as she drove him the few miles to his house, led him up the walkway toward his front door and then up the stairs to his room. He argued while she undressed him and put him in bed. He was still yelling at her when she walked out and closed his bedroom door. She was in the kitchen making a pot of coffee when she heard him moving around in his room. She was half tempted to run for the door, but decided she’d stuck it out all night and she needed to face him this morning.

She poured two cups of coffee, sat down at the kitchen table and waited.

As he brushed his teeth, the aroma of coffee slapped him in the face. He thought he was imagining things, but then another thought hit him. She’s here! He finished brushing his teeth, pulled on a t-shirt and a pair of shorts and headed for the kitchen. There she was, sitting at his table with coffee waiting. She looked up, their eyes met and his heart jumped into his throat. She was so beautiful, but he couldn’t read the expression on her face. Was it fear, anger? He was about to find out.

She looked up, her eyes met his and she whispered, “We need to talk.”

when she was young

The letter fell from her hand and drifted to the floor. She rushed to the bathroom and into the first available stall, where she immediately relieved herself of her lunch. She could hear murmurs and what sounded like, “Are you okay?” and was barely able to answer to the affirmative. She cleared her throat and repeated, “I’ll be fine, thank you.” But she knew that was far from the truth. Georgia decided to take the rest of the day off.

She grabbed her things from her office, including the letter she had dropped, sent an email to her secretary asking her to cancel all appointments for the day due to a personal matter and then she headed home. After a long, hot shower, she was now comfortably seated on her sofa. She pulled the folded envelope out of her purse, took a deep breath and read the letter for the second time.

Dear Ms. Winchester,

I pray this letter finds you and finds you well. My name is Hilly and I work at Greenville Manor. Your mother, Caroline, has been a resident here for the last twelve years. In my line of work, we are not supposed to get too close to our patients. Actually, we are encouraged to keep our distance and just do our jobs. I couldn’t seem to do that with your mother. She opened up to me almost immediately and we’ve become pretty good friends. She’s told me so much about you and her past. It’s not my place to share everything with you, but I know she has regrets. She also has no idea that I am writing you. However, the purpose of this letter is to let you know that she is not in the best of health. I know you have had no contact with her in years, but I felt I owed it to her to ask you to come. I know I don’t have to tell you not to feel obligated, but I also know that it might benefit you both to have some closure. I have enclosed my contact information, should you have any questions. I understand what I’m asking may be difficult, but please be quick to decide. Your mother doesn’t have much time left.

Sincerely,

Hilly Gordon

Georgia folded the letter, set it on the table and picked up her glass of water. ‘Maybe I should take up drinking alcohol.’ she thought. And then she remembered why she never touched the stuff. It was hard growing up with an alcoholic, among other things, as a mother. She took a deep breath, closed her eyes and wished for sleep to come quickly. Tomorrow, she’d think tomorrow.

…to be continued

 

 

i’m not worthy, am i?

Wow, what an amazing honor!  Thank you so much to manvsloneliness for nominating me for this special award!  If you haven’t checked out his blog, I urge you to do so. He’s an extremely talented writer!

Just in case you haven’t read any of my posts, the title of this one says it all. Due to past events and experiences, I’ve struggled with self worth and self confidence my entire life.  I feel blessed to have found a forum such as this to share my thoughts and ideas. I’ve loved writing for as long as I can remember, but have always been too afraid to share them with anyone. Starting this blog was by far one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.  And look at me now, nominated for my first ever blogger award!  This made my day!  Thank you again, to the Man! This nomination definitely sent a zing of warm and fuzzies straight to my heart!

Rules

  1. Show the award on your blog.
  2. Thank the person who nominated you.
  3. Share (7) different facts about yourself.
  4. Nominate (15) blogs of your choice.
  5. Link your nominees.

(7) facts about me, me, me…

  1. I am a Christian. I accepted Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior of my life and was baptized March 30,2014. My life has been forever changed. I’m very active in our church, teaching Sunday School to our youth group and working in our nursery.
  2. I am a wife. My husband is the most amazing man I know. He works in law enforcement and is the most wonderful father to our kids.
  3. I am a mom, although I have never given birth (check out growing up mommy for details). I have two boys, 22 and 17 and I have one girl, 18. They are my world. The oldest is in the Army, my daughter just started her freshman year of college and my youngest is a junior in high school. They make me proud every day.
  4. I love to run, but I haven’t had much time for it lately. I just started to get back into it and promised myself I would make time for me. Just had my first race in months (read all about it at race day).
  5. I hate attention. This goes back to the feelings of insecurity (which I’m working hard to overcome). Another reason this blog was difficult to ‘put out there.’ I’ve never been one good at taking compliments, but I appreciate constructive criticism.
  6. I’m a huge football fan! FSU Seminoles being my favorite college team.
  7. I love to cook and entertain!  One of the reasons I love football season, we constantly have friends over for the games! It gives me a chance to try new recipes and share new ideas with the people close to me.

My nominees for this award are…

miracleseachday
makingitwrite
covertnovelist
bythewayside
Girlmeetsgrace
eddaz
lanternwords
lifelessons
3375F
joywrite
thestoryoft
passionthroughpoetry
studygodsword
Susiesopinions
Findingbreathless


 

 

my sister’s tree, my stump

The tree was nestled right next to our house, below my older sister’s bedroom window. It was massive in size. It contained so many limbs, they stretched in every direction and seemed to go on forever. In the summer, our tree would be full of leaves that were a brilliant, striking green. Once fall settled in, the leaves would turn vibrant shades of yellow, orange and brown. Towards the end of fall, our tree would shed its leaves and our grass would be covered with them. To me, the winter was the worst. Our tree would be bare, nothing but dull, grey limbs.

When we were kids, my sister would spend hours staring out her bedroom window. I never understood why because all you could see was that tree. I remember being outside one cold winter day. I was on the swing in our yard and I wondered if she would want to swing with me. I guess it was just a reaction to the thought, but I instinctively looked up towards her bedroom. She was sitting at the window staring out. She looked so sad and all I could think was that I had to go to her. I ran inside, up the stairs to her room and I asked her what was wrong. She smiled at me and said I wouldn’t understand. I begged her to tell me and explain. She just looked at me, with such a sad expression, and told me she didn’t want me to ever understand.  And then she pulled me close and she began to weep. I didn’t know why she was crying, but the desperation in her cries made me start crying.  I wanted, more than anything, to make her laugh. I wanted her to be happy and I wanted her to stop feeling whatever it was she was feeling, whatever it was that was making her so sad. But I had no idea what to do. I’d later think back on this day and wish I had the answers to make everything okay.

Three days later, my sister took her life. After the funeral, my parents received everyone at our home to pay their respects. I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone. I sat outside on my swing and stared at my sister’s tree. It was bare, no leaves at all. It made me feel naked and exposed. I cried. I cried for the tree, I cried for my sister and I cried for myself. I cried more than I’d ever cried before. I vaguely remember my father picking me up off the ground, my mom holding my hand and our doctor…the prick of a needle entering my arm before drifting off to total darkness.  The first time I woke, I had no idea what time it was, just that it was pitch black outside.  I didn’t have the strength to get up, so I closed my eyes and succumbed to the darkness once again. At the time, I didn’t know how long I had been asleep. I later found out that I had been in and out for two days.

I wrote this letter to you a couple of weeks after you left me.

My Big Sis,

Mom and Dad try to explain, but I still don’t understand. They try to console me, but I don’t want to feel better. I just want you back. Dad cut down your tree. There’s nothing left but a huge stump. I guess he thought cutting it down would make it easier to forget you. Am I supposed to forget? I like to sit on the stump, under your window and talk to you. I wonder if you hear me. I ask you questions and I just wish you would answer me. Maybe, one day when I’m grown up, I might be able to figure out why you left. For now, I have to go on without you, but I will always love you.

Your Little Sis

race day

via Daily Prompt: Recharge

I think we can all agree that life gets busy.  For me, it can sometimes be absolutely chaotic. With three kids and their activities, a husband, full-time job and church responsibilities… it’s hard to find time for myself. Now, if you read my ‘growing up mommy’ posts, you know that I used to be an extremely selfish person. I mean, I didn’t want kids because I didn’t want the responsibility. But we all know how that turned out. I now consider myself selfless and that is fine by me. My kids, hubby and church come before myself. However, I have also learned that I cannot take care of everyone else if I don’t take care of myself. As I was saying, it’s often hard to find time to do the things that I need.

Case in point, I love to run, but I haven’t been doing that lately. I have been so busy with the needs and wants of others, that I’ve exhausted myself. Instead of getting up early to do my usual three miles a day, I’m too tired to get out of bed. Easily fixable, you would think. Go to bed earlier. It’s hard when you’re up late working on a Sunday School lesson or cooking for a fundraiser, etc. Well, there comes a time when you need to realize you have taken on too much and you need to realize that it’s okay to say no. Sometimes, it’s about the quality of the things you do and not the quantity.

I haven’t been training much lately, but today I ran a race. It was only a 5K, but I finished it. It was hot, I was tired and it was hard… but it was amazing! I hadn’t really realized how much I missed it. Sitting here now, while I’m writing this, I am still in my running clothes and still a bit sweaty. My legs ache and it’s the best feeling. Today’s race was for me. I was allowed to be selfish and take an hour to myself and think about what made me feel good.

It’s important for us to recharge every once in a while. It gives us the strength to continue on with the things we know need to be done. It makes us feel good. It makes us feel alive! Alive, now that’s an incredible feeling!

the stranger

via Daily Prompt: Sandwich

He started coming to the diner about a month ago. His face a little ruddy with wrinkles that showed his age. Every night, around 6:30, you could find him sitting alone in the same corner booth. He would order a chicken salad sandwich and a glass of water. Other than placing his order and a thank you when it was delivered to his table, he never said a word to anyone. He would finish his meal in silence, leave a ten dollar bill on the table, get up and walk out the door.  He’d nod his head in acknowledgement when he received the customary ‘Have a nice night.’ 

The staff and other regulars were curious and would often speculate on the newcomer’s circumstances. Some thought maybe he was a widower, others an old war vet with no family. They even thought he could be a recently released convict. None of them would be correct. One day, in the very near future, his purpose would be revealed.

 

misconceptions

via Daily Prompt: Elegant

He couldn’t help but stare. He had never seen her look more beautiful. She was, perhaps, the most ravishing creature he had ever seen. As she descended the winding staircase, he noticed how graceful her steps were. Each one a precise, fluid motion that made her appear to be floating on air. The elegant, yet simple dress she wore was a deep blue that reminded him of the ocean.  Her jet black hair was piled high atop her head and secured with a silver pin. He imagined what it would be like to remove it and set that silky mass of hair free. Her eyes, the color of a crystal blue lake that he would gladly drown in. His gaze finally settled on her lips.  Lips painted a deep scarlet, turned upward in a playful smile. When she finally made it to the bottom of the stairs, she was immediately surrounded by a sea of suitors. Each young man vied for her attention.  He watched as she politely laughed at every joke, as she feigned interest in every story told and he watched as she covered her mouth and yawned when she thought no one was looking. It was obvious that she was not enjoying the party. He spent the next hour watching her, trying to get the courage up to make his move, to just say hello. He knew it was just a fantasy. How could someone like her be interested in someone like him? She could have her pick of any man in the room and he knew he didn’t measure up.  He was sure he didn’t stand a chance, so he made the decision to not even try.

As she readied herself for bed, she thought back on the events of the night. It wasn’t at all what she’d hoped for. She laid her head on her pillow as silent tears rolled down her cheeks.  She could have had her pick of any man in the room tonight, but the one she wanted didn’t want her. Her last thought as she drifted off to sleep was… he didn’t even say hello.

the plan

via Daily Prompt: Twinkle

It was time to put her plan into motion. She knew he wouldn’t want to see her.  After everything that had taken place, she would be the last person he wanted to see, he’d be afraid to face her.  So, she focused on her sister instead.  She could talk her sister into seeing her.  She’d choke on the words, but she’d force herself to say I’m sorry.  She laughed at the thought.  She was sorry?!  She did nothing wrong.  They were the ones who were twisted!  Focus!  She told herself.  She was getting off track, it was time to rein in her thoughts and focus on the task at hand.  She didn’t need petty feelings getting in the way and distracting her from her goal.  She checked herself in the mirror one last time and marveled at the fact that she and her sister looked so much alike.  She assumed he thought they were interchangeable.  She knew she had to hide her scorn in order for this to work.  With a smile on her face and a twinkle in her eye, she set out to start phase one of her plan.

them

via Daily Prompt: Plop

There was a wood and iron bench that sat overlooking the small pond.  She went there when she needed to be alone, when she needed to think.  Today was one of those days. As she sat on her bench, staring at her pond, she could feel her anger rising.  This wasn’t supposed to happen.  This place always calmed her, it always gave her a sense of peace and serenity about everything.  All her troubles were settled from this spot. But not today. Today, she didn’t feel the peace of the still water.  She didn’t feel the calming summer breeze. Today, she couldn’t get the image of the two of them together out of her mind. Today, all she saw was red.  The sky opened up and it began to pour.  She could hear every raindrop hit the water.  The thunderous plop , plop, plop was maddening.  An idea was born, an idea for vengeance.  Finally, she felt the peace she so desperately sought.