search me: am i a bad Christian?

Sometimes, I don’t like myself. Warning: this will be real and sincere!

Am I a bad Christian or not?

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. – Ephesians 6:12

Being a Christian is hard! I fight against evil spirits every day! Sometimes I win and other times I lose. But I will put on the Armor of God and never stop fighting!

So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath, for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God. – James 1:19-20

I hate it when I let my mood affect my behavior towards other people, yet I can’t seem to stop myself. Definitely something I plan to work on. When I get mad, it doesn’t matter what makes me angry, my poor husband and kids get the brunt of it. I am married to the most amazing man. He loves me even when I’m a terror. My kids are pretty awesome too, but I know they hate it when I get in one of my “moods.” When I get stressed over anything, I tend to look for things they do wrong so I can lash out. My family is used to this behavior, but that doesn’t mean they deserve it. I’m thankful they love me despite this flaw.

“And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses.” – Mark 11:25-26

I hate having to forgive someone who isn’t even sorry! When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t. If you’re not sorry for what you did, at least apologize for the fact that they feel hurt. With that being said, I’ve been on both ends. I have done my fair share of hurting people. Whether intentional or not, and yes, I have intentionally hurt people; for that I will and have apologized. I hope that those people will forgive me. On the other hand, if someone does me wrong, I hold grudges. I hate that sometimes I just can’t let it go. Sigh

I hate that it’s so easy to cut people out of my life. Even after I forgive them, if they don’t bring anything positive to my life, I’m done. At the current time, there are immediate family members that I have no relationship with due to that very fact. They see no problem with their actions, past or present, so I cannot be a part of their lives or vice versa.

Better is open rebuke than hidden love. – Proverbs 27:5

I hate that I have issues with my friends and I’m afraid to tell them how I feel. I’ve always had problems speaking my mind. I guess it’s that fear of rejection or the other person’s response to my honesty. Lying is a sin, everyone knows that, but we try to find ways to justify it. I don’t tell the truth because it may hurt your feelings. A wise friend recently told me that if you can’t be truthful with a friend, then it’s not a true friendship.

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. – Ephesians 4:29

I hate the fact that I sometimes gossip. I doubt there’s any elaboration needed here. Not that it’s an excuse, but I believe that in some point in time everyone has said something about someone else. Whether we join in because everyone else is doing it or we start it and encourage others to join in, it’s wrong. It’s just so easy to get caught up in it and before you realize it, it’s taken on a life of it’s own.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. – Romans 8:28

Why does God allow us to go through trials and tribulations? If we truly believe that God works all things for good, then we have to believe that the difficulties that we go through have a more profound purpose than just to cause us heartache. We must know that these situations, unpleasant as they may be, are used to work things for our good. That is definitely a hard pill to swallow! I hate that I find myself continuously questioning God during hard times.

“Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it. – Matthew 7:13-14

I hate that sometimes I think this life is too hard. Don’t get me wrong, I love life when everything is good, but who’s life is perfect all of the time?!?

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33

In closing, I guess I have to admit that sometimes I think I’m a bad Christian. Honestly, that breaks my heart. The way I see it, Jesus died for me, so the least I can do is live for him. I know it will be hard and I will win some battles and lose others. I know that sometimes my faith will be strong and other times it will waver. I know that sometimes I will fail miserably and question God relentlessly. But I pray that through all of this, I will grow closer to my Father and will eventually spend eternity with Him in Heaven.

Daily Prompt: Or








2 thoughts on “search me: am i a bad Christian?

  1. Your not alone sister!
    ALL sin and FALL short Romans 3:23
    Christ is what makes us Christian. Everyone is bad at being Christ because we’re not Christ, but I’m sure he dwells in you and sometimes others see Christ’s light.

    We are saved by grace, not works Ephesians 2:8-9 Your Spirit cries out for a Saviour. Thank the Lord we have one.

    That being said, your post sounds exactly like me 15-20 years ago.

    I am a therapist. a therapist who needed counseling. Counseling helped me calm those demons, part with the other demons surrounding me (i.e. toxic people) and learn the difference between truth, honesty, lies, secrets, privacy and intimacy in the context of love. In other words learn how to have healthy not toxic relationships.

    Here’s a relationship post that may help:

    Liked by 1 person

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