search me: disappointment

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. – Jeremiah 29:11

What happens when your plan isn’t God’s plan? There are so many scriptures in the Bible that explain why His ways are better than ours. So, if we’re disappointed, would that be a slap in the face to God? I certainly hope not, I’ve been disappointed several times.

When I was thirty six years old, I decided I wanted a baby. My husband and I decided we wanted another baby. By this time, I had already been a full time step mom for three years. I went back and forth with my decision. I thought, I might regret not having a child of my own. Then, I thought, by the time the kids are grown we would still be young enough to enjoy our grandchildren. Were we too old to have a baby now? There were so many things to consider.

Finally, we made the decision that we would try. I went to the doctor for a check-up. I needed to make sure everything was in working order and there would be no problems. Unfortunately, I found out that it was impossible for me to get pregnant. I was extremely disappointed.

I began wondering if God was punishing me because I couldn’t make up my  mind. Now, I know that God works all things for my good (Romans 8:8). I know that He has a reason for every trial and every tribulation. I knew there was a something I was supposed to learn from this situation. But, as a human, a heartbroken human;  I didn’t want to hear any of it!

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. – James 1:2-4

“Count it all joy.” Really? How can you possibly do that? Let me tell you how I made it through.

First, I took time to grieve my loss. Funny that you can consider a child that was never conceived as a loss. But, that’s how I saw it. I could already picture holding my baby, naming her or him; I could see this baby as a beautiful adult doing amazing things. As I was grieving, I certainly was not counting it all joy. I went through all the stages; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. It wasn’t until I accepted that God’s will was not for me to have a child that I was able to understand that it meant He had better things planned for me.

It took time, but eventually, I was able to start looking at the future without my dream of giving birth and having a child of my own. I started looking at all of my blessings instead of troubles. I have a wonderful husband and three beautiful kids. I have amazing friends and an awesome church family. It’ll probably be a little while long, but I will eventually have grandchildren that I can spoil. While I’m waiting on that, I have the most adorable babies in my life; friends’ babies that I love and would do anything for. I am truly blessed when it comes to the babies in my life. All of these things, I count as joy.

Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do; forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead. – Philippians 3:13

I have lofty aspirations for myself. But I have to have faith and know that God’s plans for me are far higher than anything I could have ever planned for myself. Will I struggle when things don’t go my way?  Absolutely! Will I question God when I don’t understand something? Of course! But I will always have faith that there is a reason that God doesn’t give in to my every whim.

Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. – Psalms 37:4




One thought on “search me: disappointment

  1. We all have lessons to learn, mine is patience, not with people but with answers or results. I know that until I can sit back comfortably and wait for things things will keep happening to bring my failing to my attention….. I don’t ever think I am being punished by God if anyone is hurting me it is myself. Free Will !

    Liked by 1 person

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