search me: a childless mother

First of all, I know it’s the day after Thanksgiving and I promise I am not already griping about what I don’t have. I am completely sated with my family life. I have been blessed with an amazing husband, two children that I think are absolutely incredible and a third child that is struggling with life, but I couldn’t love him more. Just in case you’re confused between the title of this post and what I just said, let me remind you that I didn’t give birth to any of my kids, but they are mine in every other sense. I love my family with all my heart!

Let me also remind you, before I continue, that I promised in my ‘search me’ blog that I was going to be completely honest. I believe that by doing this, actually writing/typing out my thought and feelings, I can also be honest with myself. I know that this will make me face some harsh realities and by doing so, will help me grow as a person and a Christian. 

Let’s talk about babies! Remember, when I became a mom, my kids were already past the baby and toddler stage. Since my husband already had three of his own, we talked about whether or not I should or wanted to have one of my own. He was on board with whatever I decided. He told me he thought that I would regret it if I didn’t have one of my own, but back then, I was just adjusting to having the three with us full time. I definitely had my hands full and I’ll admit the thought of having a baby, at that time, was overwhelming. Three years later, we talked about it again. By then, our youngest was ten and I thought that would be a huge age gap and did I want to start all over again? I mean, all our kids would be out of the house or in college in eight years. Again, that thought was a bit overwhelming. Three more years went by and I was finally ready. Our family was doing so well and I had just begun my walk with Jesus. Now, I thought, I’m ready. I went to my doctor for my annual and my diabetes check up and blood work. Five days later, I got my results. I was in peri menopause, this means I was at the end of my reproductive years. Further tests showed I had already gone through premature ovarian failure. There was no way for me to conceive a child. I should probably mention that I was only thirty six years old. I guess that is old to consider having a baby this day and time. 

I went through the normal stages of ‘grief.’ I grieved the loss of possibility. I denied it wasn’t possible for me to have a baby. I thought the doctors or tests were wrong. I grew angry because I couldn’t have a baby. I was a good person, why is God punishing me? I bargained with Him saying ‘If you make this possible, I will do (insert anything I could think of at the time). I was depressed because I knew I would never give birth to a baby of my own. I forgot or was too sad to think about how I already had three wonderful children who loved me. Finally, I accepted the fact that having a child of my own would never happen. Once I accepted it, I remembered how wonderful my life already was. The grieving process took some time, but I finally knew I wasn’t being punished. God has a reason and a plan for everything. If I’m not meant to experience pregnancy and child birth and raising a baby from newborn to adulthood, He has a reason for that. I will trust Him.

Why bring this all up now? Because, like always, when a friend announces a new pregnancy; it reminds me of my situation. It causes a brief pang of sadness for what’s never to be. When this happens, I think about it. I feel sad. I feel guilty for feeling sad when God has blessed me with so much. Finally, I pray. I ask for forgiveness and I give Him praise and thanks for being all He is and blessing me with all He has. 

God has blessed me with awesome friends with incredible children. I am so thankful to have them all in my life. To those friends, I say thank you for allowing me to love your children. And to the three of you who announced pregnancies this week, I say congratulations. I already love the little ones in your tummies and I can’t wait to meet them!


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