search me: a mother’s fear

One of my biggest fears, when it comes to my children, has always been that their past would catch up to them. I know it sounds stupid, how much of a past could they have. I guess I should clarify, when I say past, I mean their biological mom. I’ve always had this fear that her hold on them would be strong enough for her to pull them down to where she is. I used to think that if their father and I raised them up the right way, this wouldn’t be a possibility. I was wrong. Of course, now that it has happened, I can say that it’s not her fault. Our oldest son is now a man. He makes his own choices and will have to deal with the consequences of those choices. And I will have to learn to accept his decisions and the fact that I cannot fix everything for him.

He made the decision to go live with her. I guess it’s for the best. At least for our current household. His brother and sister do not think it’s a good idea for him to move back in. Their father and I completely understand where they are coming from. The house just wasn’t… peaceful once he moved back home. Does this mean it’s God’s plan that he is where he is? Sigh… how do I just walk away?

His brother, sister and I packed up his things this week. Friday morning, the day after Thanksgiving, he asked us to bring his stuff to his grandfather’s house. The first thing my other kids asked was ‘will she be there?’ They didn’t want to see their mother. We made an agreement that since she had to drive him there, she would not come outside of the house while we were there.

When we pulled up, he came out and I was a little shocked. He looked like a completely different person. We saw him before we even got out of the truck and his brother and sister were just as shocked by his appearance as I was. His hair was long and scraggly an he had a patchy beard. It looked like he hadn’t shaved in a month. The first thought I had was that he looked like a homeless person. Once we unloaded the truck and everything was stacked by the house, we stood outside and talked. I wanted to get an idea of how he’d been. I gave him a hug. Immediately, the first thing I noticed was a pungent odor. It could only be described as marijuana mixed with mildew. I say mildew because that’s what I think of when I imagine wet clothes that have been sitting for days. His brother and sister would later explain that he smelled like the trailer that he is living in. I’m sure I have shared the conditions of his current living space already. If you need a reminder, let me mention the rat infested oven and the fridge sitting on the front porch. I guess I should be thankful because when I asked my son how he was doing, his response was, “I have a place to sleep, a roof over my head and food to eat, what more do I need?” All I could think was ‘Is this all you want out of life?’ A dirty place to live and sleep and fast food and pizza every night.

I found out several things that day. Things I didn’t know about my son’s time in the army. I didn’t realize that there was a lot of alcohol and illegal drugs and girls. I was shocked to discover that he did pretty much the opposite of everything we taught him.

I really feel like he is settling for what he has so that he can be with his mom. Like I’ve said before, I completely understand that want and need. She is, after all, his biological mother. They have about ten years of catching up to do. I believe he would settle for just about anything to maintain that relationship, no matter how unhealthy it is. I just really want more for him, but I cannot make him want more for himself.

I’ll continue to pray for him and her. I have to remember that God has a plan for everyone. If this is His plan, I will trust that something good will come out of it. In the meantime, I will try my best to not worry. I have to let go and let God.



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