Damaged

Daily Prompt: Core

I’m damaged and that’s okay.

Every hurtful word, every harsh action taken against me; I’ve taken it all in and pushed it down. It sits at my core and I can’t let it go. No, I don’t want to let it go. I like the fact that it’s there and I can pull it out whenever I feel the need. When I feel like being angry, I reach down and grab a memory that will allow me to justify my anger. When I want to be sad, I can reflect on a moment from the past that totally broke my heart. And when I feel like I’m a nobody and I don’t matter, the bitter words from the past echo in my ears; validating my perception.

But, who wants to feel like being angry? Who wants to be sad? Who feels like a nobody and that they don’t matter?

Me. Because I’m damaged and that’s okay.

thank you for my scars

Daily Prompt: Slur

I was told stories about how, when I was a toddler, you were the only one who could comfort me. Any time I was sad or hurt, all I wanted was you. As time went on, we grew apart. That is what I was told, but I don’t remember any of that.

What I do remember is being scared. Every time I was around you, the only thing I felt was fear. Well, that’s not exactly true. Sometimes, I would feel hope. Hope that I would hear you say you were proud of me. Hope that you wouldn’t tell me what a disappointment I was. Hope that you wouldn’t call me lazy or worthless. I can still remember the way the words would slur as they poured out of your mouth. Such horrible words. But, what I remember most, is not how the words would sound; I remember how the words would make me feel.

At first, I believed you. I felt like a lazy, worthless disappointment. I was sad, absolutely miserable. But then, something happened. I realized you were wrong and I set out to prove it. I put forth the best effort I could in everything I did. I gave it my all and I succeeded. I was an amazing student, a dedicated worker, and a pretty awesome person. My work ethic was impeccable. It allowed me to graduate high school, work my way through college and eventually start an amazing career. But, still… it wasn’t good enough for you. Finally, I realized I would never be good enough for you. And that’s okay.

My emotional scars have healed, but always serve as a reminder. A reminder of you, the person that helped shape me into the woman I am today. I’m no longer angry. I’m not sad and definitely not miserable. I am an amazing person and I owe part of that to you. I didn’t like your methods, at the time, but they did teach me a thing or two. Although I cannot have a relationship with you now, I have forgiven you. Not for you, but for me. It’s important that you know I love you. And I know you love me too, even if you don’t know how to show it.

I understand you’re still under the impression that you did nothing wrong and you feel you have nothing to apologize for. And, I don’t need you to say you’re sorry… not anymore.

It is well with my soul and I am finally at peace.

 

Retrospective

In retrospect, I should have told the truth. When you asked why, I should have been honest and told you the truth. But I didn’t, I did what I thought was best at the time; I lied. Nothing has been the same since. My excuse is, I was trying to spare your feelings. Instead, I should have told you the truth and trusted you to understand. Would you have understood? I don’t think so. I believe the outcome would have been the same; however, you would know the truth. Do you want to know? Would it change anything? You would still be hurt, only for a different reason.

What do I do now?