thank you for my scars

Daily Prompt: Slur

I was told stories about how, when I was a toddler, you were the only one who could comfort me. Any time I was sad or hurt, all I wanted was you. As time went on, we grew apart. That is what I was told, but I don’t remember any of that.

What I do remember is being scared. Every time I was around you, the only thing I felt was fear. Well, that’s not exactly true. Sometimes, I would feel hope. Hope that I would hear you say you were proud of me. Hope that you wouldn’t tell me what a disappointment I was. Hope that you wouldn’t call me lazy or worthless. I can still remember the way the words would slur as they poured out of your mouth. Such horrible words. But, what I remember most, is not how the words would sound; I remember how the words would make me feel.

At first, I believed you. I felt like a lazy, worthless disappointment. I was sad, absolutely miserable. But then, something happened. I realized you were wrong and I set out to prove it. I put forth the best effort I could in everything I did. I gave it my all and I succeeded. I was an amazing student, a dedicated worker, and a pretty awesome person. My work ethic was impeccable. It allowed me to graduate high school, work my way through college and eventually start an amazing career. But, still… it wasn’t good enough for you. Finally, I realized I would never be good enough for you. And that’s okay.

My emotional scars have healed, but always serve as a reminder. A reminder of you, the person that helped shape me into the woman I am today. I’m no longer angry. I’m not sad and definitely not miserable. I am an amazing person and I owe part of that to you. I didn’t like your methods, at the time, but they did teach me a thing or two. Although I cannot have a relationship with you now, I have forgiven you. Not for you, but for me. It’s important that you know I love you. And I know you love me too, even if you don’t know how to show it.

I understand you’re still under the impression that you did nothing wrong and you feel you have nothing to apologize for. And, I don’t need you to say you’re sorry… not anymore.

It is well with my soul and I am finally at peace.

 

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