facing reality: my kid hates me

It’s easy to pretend things are a certain way when you can’t see the reality of the situation, when you don’t permit your mind to go there. Sure, you have thoughts and ideas of how things are, but then reality comes along and slaps you in the face.

Until this point, I had no idea how bad it was.

You spend a good portion of your adult life pouring yourself and everything you have into someone just to have them hate you. You all know what I mean, I’m talking about our kids… I’ve often heard it said that if your child doesn’t hate you at some point then you aren’t doing a good job as a parent. I guess I can take comfort in that.

Look, I’ve already explained that I made mistakes as a parent. I know I’ve learned from those mistakes and because of them, I am a much better person and mom. But, at some point, your child (especially your adult child) must take responsibility for his actions and choices. He can’t spend the rest of his life blaming others for his current situation. And his situation, as much as he wants to pretend isn’t, is disastrous.

Truth Time: My kid is in trouble and he has no one watching out for him. After being separated from the Army, he moved back home. Two months of rules, which included paying rent and keeping a job, he decided it was too much responsibility. He made the choice to move in with his biological mother. We have been able to keep tabs, so to speak, on him through social media. We’ve seen the way that he is living and it breaks our hearts, especially because we know there’s nothing we can do. I chose to stop looking, not because I didn’t care, but because I cared too much. Out of sight, out of mind, right?

You’d like to believe that, wouldn’t you?! Your children are never out of your mind and are a continuous source of worry. But again, there is only so much you can do. I believe we gave the same opportunities to each one of our children. Opportunities to succeed in life and better themselves. They had choices and they had consequences to those choices. Those consequences could be good or bad, based on their decisions. Make a good decision, be rewarded. Make a bad decision and face the repercussions. By no means were our punishments out of the norm. Grounding, taking away electronics, etc; if that is enough to make you the world’s worst parent in the eyes of your child, then so be it.

My son hates me for wanting a better life for him. I had to accept that.

I was okay with him feeling the way he did about me, but to attack his siblings… that’s a completely different matter. And one I was not prepared to deal with.

Reality Hits Home: A friend of my youngest ran into his brother yesterday. The conversation went something like this:

  • S: You’re my brother’s friend, right?
  • C: Yes
  • S: F*** that guy.
  • C: You came over here to tell me that?
  • S: Nah man, but f*** him and that whole family. That whole family is a façade. F*** them.
  • C: What?
  • S: I heard he’s trying to get in the military.
  • C: He’s already enlisted, so he’s in.
  • S: Oh well, he’s just trying to one up me. F*** him.
  • C: What is the point of this conversation?
  • S: You know, man, just that whole family is f***** up and it’s all a façade.
  • C: O….K…
  • C walks away scratching his head, calls D to fill him in.

Now, the reaction of my other kids didn’t surprise me. They’ve been numb to this kind of thing for a while now. I guess lots of practice from dealing with previous similar situations. They went through feelings of sadness at the loss of one mom and now the loss of their brother, but they have been extremely resilient. So the reaction to this latest attack was laughter. They knew none of it was true so why give any validation to it?

I could learn a thing or ten from my two youngest. I really should have just blown it off and laughed, like they did.

But, y’all know that isn’t me… I had to over analyze every word and try to figure out the whys. If I could dissect every aspect of this conversation, I could find a way to fix everything.

First, I was heartbroken. Hate me all you want, but your brother and sister did nothing to you. Once the heartbreak passed, the anger hit. Anger, that’s something I’ve struggled with all my life. I get angry and then I want vengeance. Someone hurts me or my family and I want to punish them and make them hurt just as much. But, not this time. I know S is suffering. I know he’s not happy with the way things are and I know he has to want more out of life. So rather than be angry with him, I am choosing to pray. I will pray for him to figure out what’s important in life and to change his ways so he can accomplish and acquire those things. I will continue to have hope for him, the same way I have been hoping his mother would improve her situation over the last twelve years. I have hope that things will change and they will be happy and that maybe one day, we will be able to mend our relationships.

In the meantime, I will find pleasure in watching my youngest son and my daughter flourish. I will take pride in their accomplishments. I will continue to watch them work hard to achieve the goals they have set for themselves. Goals that will allow them to be productive members of society, goals that will allow them to be happy.

After all, that’s what every parent wants for their kids, right?

 

 

 

breaking the cycle

As you know, if you’ve been following and reading my blog for a while, there wasn’t much laughter in my childhood. When you grow up the way I did, It’s easy to become damaged. It’s easy to grow into an adult with low self esteem, believing you are totally worthless. And, if you’re not careful, it’s easy to make your own children believe the same thing.

Yes, you heard me right. After all, how do you learn to parent? How do you know how to discipline your children, how to encourage them? If your parents brought you chicken noodle soup when you were sick, wouldn’t that be what you’d give your child if they were sick? Why? Because, we are trained to believe that the way our parents raise us is the right way. Even if their way makes us feel, well, less than loved; we still think that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

Have you ever heard the saying, “The abused becomes the abuser?” It sounds absurd, right? I can remember saying that I would never treat my kids the way I was treated when I was growing up. And unfortunately, I had picked up some pretty bad habits. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I was even a fraction of the meanster (yes, that’s how I saw it) that I grew up with. But, I will admit that in my attempts to make my children understand the depths of their mistakes, I know I went a little too far. I can remember my husband saying to me, “Remember how you felt when your dad talked to you that way?” Stupid… that’s exactly how I would feel. And I remember the first time one of my kids told me that I made them feel stupid. And the first time wasn’t the last. Something had to change.

I had to break the cycle. And I did.

Now, I am not trying to make excuses. I am just saying that I didn’t know any better. I can assure you and I hope you know me well enough to believe that I am not the type of person that is mean because I enjoy it. There are truly some sick people who actually find pleasure in seeing others suffer. That is definitely not me. My kids know that I have always wanted what is best for them. I just went about it the wrong way… in the beginning.

I had to re-learn what a parent was supposed to be. I had to learn to accept constructive criticism from my husband. It wasn’t easy, I had to realize that it was okay for him to tell me when I was wrong because he was doing it for my good. He wasn’t putting me down for my shortcomings. He wasn’t trying to make me feel stupid. He was trying to help and thank God, it worked!

With my husband’s help, my children’s patience and with God given wisdom, I became a phenomenal mom. I am absolutely far from perfect, any one of my kids could attest to that, but they know that I want the best for them. I want them to be better than I ever was. Even after all the mistakes I have made, my kids will never have to question if they are loved. I believe that makes me a successful mom, if nothing more.

 

 

search me: a childless mother

First of all, I know it’s the day after Thanksgiving and I promise I am not already griping about what I don’t have. I am completely sated with my family life. I have been blessed with an amazing husband, two children that I think are absolutely incredible and a third child that is struggling with life, but I couldn’t love him more. Just in case you’re confused between the title of this post and what I just said, let me remind you that I didn’t give birth to any of my kids, but they are mine in every other sense. I love my family with all my heart!

Let me also remind you, before I continue, that I promised in my ‘search me’ blog that I was going to be completely honest. I believe that by doing this, actually writing/typing out my thought and feelings, I can also be honest with myself. I know that this will make me face some harsh realities and by doing so, will help me grow as a person and a Christian. 

Let’s talk about babies! Remember, when I became a mom, my kids were already past the baby and toddler stage. Since my husband already had three of his own, we talked about whether or not I should or wanted to have one of my own. He was on board with whatever I decided. He told me he thought that I would regret it if I didn’t have one of my own, but back then, I was just adjusting to having the three with us full time. I definitely had my hands full and I’ll admit the thought of having a baby, at that time, was overwhelming. Three years later, we talked about it again. By then, our youngest was ten and I thought that would be a huge age gap and did I want to start all over again? I mean, all our kids would be out of the house or in college in eight years. Again, that thought was a bit overwhelming. Three more years went by and I was finally ready. Our family was doing so well and I had just begun my walk with Jesus. Now, I thought, I’m ready. I went to my doctor for my annual and my diabetes check up and blood work. Five days later, I got my results. I was in peri menopause, this means I was at the end of my reproductive years. Further tests showed I had already gone through premature ovarian failure. There was no way for me to conceive a child. I should probably mention that I was only thirty six years old. I guess that is old to consider having a baby this day and time. 

I went through the normal stages of ‘grief.’ I grieved the loss of possibility. I denied it wasn’t possible for me to have a baby. I thought the doctors or tests were wrong. I grew angry because I couldn’t have a baby. I was a good person, why is God punishing me? I bargained with Him saying ‘If you make this possible, I will do (insert anything I could think of at the time). I was depressed because I knew I would never give birth to a baby of my own. I forgot or was too sad to think about how I already had three wonderful children who loved me. Finally, I accepted the fact that having a child of my own would never happen. Once I accepted it, I remembered how wonderful my life already was. The grieving process took some time, but I finally knew I wasn’t being punished. God has a reason and a plan for everything. If I’m not meant to experience pregnancy and child birth and raising a baby from newborn to adulthood, He has a reason for that. I will trust Him.

Why bring this all up now? Because, like always, when a friend announces a new pregnancy; it reminds me of my situation. It causes a brief pang of sadness for what’s never to be. When this happens, I think about it. I feel sad. I feel guilty for feeling sad when God has blessed me with so much. Finally, I pray. I ask for forgiveness and I give Him praise and thanks for being all He is and blessing me with all He has. 

God has blessed me with awesome friends with incredible children. I am so thankful to have them all in my life. To those friends, I say thank you for allowing me to love your children. And to the three of you who announced pregnancies this week, I say congratulations. I already love the little ones in your tummies and I can’t wait to meet them!

search me: a mother’s choice

As I watch him from afar, I realize he has no strength to go against you and I know that he does not want to. After all these years and everything that has happened, his loyalty still lies with you. I wish I could trust you to do the right thing with that loyalty. I truly understand how hard this is for you, as a mother myself; the choice between your head and your heart is a difficult one. Do you let him continue his pretentious behavior because you know it will keep you in his favor? Or do you explain to him that his being ostentatious is not necessary to stay in your life?

The last few years, he’s maintained that he doesn’t agree with the way you are living. As a matter of fact, he was adamant that he did not want to live with you. Yet, there he is, exactly where he said he never wanted to be. Let me say that I also understand his decision. You have been absent from his life for the majority of the last ten years. Before that, you had a bond that you thought could never be severed. It was definitely put to the test, but needlessly to say, it has never been broken. The fact that he is there with you now, is proof of that.

You may not believe this, but I’ve always wanted you to be a part of all of their lives. Unfortunately, your decisions and choices made that impossible. Now they are old enough to make the decision for themselves. Two have taken their stand and decided that it is in their best interest to not allow you back in. He has made his decision as well and I don’t fault him for it. He is thinking with his heart and again, that is understandable. But I implore you, do not do more damage than has already been done. He has what he wants now, he has you. I just ask that you guard his heart as I have done during your absence. I ask that you watch over him and encourage him to make the right decisions for his life. We both know that he is not where he needs to be as an adult. We know that he cannot make decisions that are best for him. We know that he needs guidance. I ask that you do your best to guide him in the right direction. I ask that you remind him that we, his other family, still love him and want what is best for him; just as I ensured him that you loved him when you were not able to. I ask that you do right by our child.

I will now let him go, I will leave him in your hands. I do so with a heavy heart, because I have no choice. I will leave both of you in God’s hands because that gives me peace.

Solomon’s Wise Judgement

Now two women who were harlots came to the king, and stood before him. And one woman said, “O my lord, this woman and I dwell in the same house; and I gave birth while she was in the house. Then it happened, the third day after I had given birth, that this woman also gave birth. And we were together; no one was with us in the house, except the two of us in the house. And this woman’s son died in the night, because she lay on him. So she arose in the middle of the night and took my son from my side, whileyour maidservant slept, and laid him in her bosom, and laid her dead child in my bosom. And when I rose in the morning to nurse my son, there he was, dead. But when I had examined him in the morning, indeed, he was not my son whom I had borne.” Then the other woman said, “No! But the living one is my son and the dead one is your son.” And the first woman said, No! But the dead one is your son, and the living one is my son.” thus they spoke before the king. And the king said, “The one says, ‘This is my son, who lives and your son is the dead one’, and the other says, ‘No! But your son is the dead one and my son is the living one.” The the king said, “Bring me a sword.” So they brought a sword before the king. And the king said, “Divide the living child in two, and give half to one, and half to the other.” Then the woman whose son was living spoke to the king, for she yearned with compassion for her son; and she said, “O my lord, give her the living child and by no means kill him!” But the other said, “Let him be neither mine nor yours, but devide him.” So the king answered and said, “Give the first woman the living child, and by no means kill him; she is his mother.” And all Israel heard of the judgment which the king had rendered; and they feared the king, for they saw that the wisdom of God was in him to administer justice. – 1 Kings 3:16-28

via Daily Prompt: Ostentatious

your love is a myth

Your choices have destroyed
your actions have maimed
the lack of caring you've shown
for those I will not name.
You've hurt so many
And you don't seem to care
You cry and exclaim
That life is not fair.
You've done this to yourself
There's no one else to blame
You chose to become this person
and things will never be the same.
You said you were willing
You said you would try
I actually believed you
But it was just another lie.
I can't help you anymore
There's nothing else that I can do
I've given all I have to give
And the rest was up to you.
I know see it for what it was
Everything done in vain
I have to walk away
In order to stay sane.
I know this will hurt you
and that is not my intent
you know my reasons
and where my time must be spent.
I will always put them first
They come even before me
anyone would understand
That's the way it's supposed to be.
You once said you didn't want to hurt them
Any more than you already had
That statement earned my respect
And at the same time made me sad.
You know what's best for them
and I hope you'll do what's right
I'll continue to pray for you
Each and every night.


via Daily Prompt: Mythical

search me: mom struggles

Train up a child in the way he should go,
And when he is old he will not depart from it. – Proverbs 22:6

Being a parent is hard. You do everything you can to raise your children to be productive members of society. While doing so, you also have to deal with their various personalities and moods, their attitudes and their needs and wants.

I can’t say being a step-parent is more difficult because I don’t have anything to compare it to. I think, maybe, there are just different challenges. By the time I became a parent, my kids were 6, 7 and 11 years old. Maybe the fact that I don’t have any biological children made it a little harder. I didn’t ease into parenting, it was thrust upon me and I accepted it wholeheartedly. Please don’t think that I’m complaining or anything like that, I’m just explaining the situation so that you may better understand where I’m coming from. It was my choice to accept my husband’s three children as my own. Their father and I have been raising them together, with little to no participation from their biological mom, since we gained custody of them ten years ago.  Their mom, well that’s another story for another time. My point is, in our family, I have been mom for what seems like always.

In the beginning, it was a little rough. Everyone knows how kids can be. They are kids, they aren’t supposed to act like adults, think logically. So, we are going to focus on me. I struggled quite a bit and in all honesty, I still struggle. I am struggling now. Being a mom (that didn’t give birth to her children), I had a lot of fears regarding how they felt about me. Bottom line is, I’m not their real mom, so they don’t HAVE to love me. This made punishment extremely difficult.

Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them. – Proverbs 13:24

Don’t get me wrong, I did my parental duty and punished my children, when needed. I just always worried that they would stop loving me, or even worse, they would hate me. Now that they are older, I only worry about how one of them feels.

My relationship with my oldest has always been a little strained. I always did what I thought was best for him. I’m sure, to him, it just sounded like nagging. I’m sure I made him feel like he never did anything right. I’m sure the times I told him I was proud of him didn’t compare to the times I made him feel bad about himself; even if it wasn’t intentional.

Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. – Colossians 3:21

I sure hope I’m wrong, but I feel like I drove my oldest away. He’s now an adult, but he’s struggled his whole life. He’s struggled with growing up, with responsibility, with ambition and with laziness (his word, not mine), among other things. I’ve tried making things easy for him by doing things for him. I’ve tried letting him do things on his own. I’ve tried yelling and I’ve tried talking rationally. I’ve honestly tried everything I could. Through it all, I’ve always reminded him that I love him and I want what’s best for him.

So, where are we now? A few random texts here and there. I’m worried about him and I have no idea how he’s doing. But, I don’t know how to fix it. That’s the part that’s killing me. I am a fixer, I want… no, I need to fix everything! And this, I can’t.

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. – 1 Peter 5:10

I have faith that God will strengthen my relationship with my child and that in order to do that, we have to face this current struggle. I have faith, I really do; but sometimes, when things get really hard, my faith wavers. I sometimes worry that my relationship with my son will go up in flames. No matter how hard it gets, I just pray that he knows I want nothing but the best for him and that I love him with all my heart.

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, The fruit of the womb is a reward. – Psalms 127:3

heartbreak: a stepmom’s story

via Daily Prompt: Primp

She began to primp as she looked in the mirror, but as she stared at her reflection, it stopped her in her tracks. The hand she had raised to fluff her hair dropped down to her side. When had she gotten so old? Where had the time gone? At that moment, events from the last ten years rushed to her mind.

She could still remember the day they brought the kids home, the day she became a full-time stepmom. They were, by no means, babies, but they were to her. She had never been a mom before. In a way, she was a baby as well. She vowed to do her best. She vowed that she would always put them first. She would make their happiness, their safety and their future her main priority. Along with the man she loved, her husband, they would raise some amazing children.

It wasn’t easy in the beginning. It took some adjusting for all of them. The children weren’t used to rules or discipline or even routine, but as parents, they knew these things were necessary. She and her husband were not used to life that revolved around three little ones. Again, a lot of compromising and adjusting had to take place. Eventually, things calmed down and became normal.

Days consisted of school, homework, play time, dinner, baths and eventually bed. School issues were being resolved, as all the kids were struggling in the beginning due to their previous home situation. They all strived to make things better. They fell into a consistent routine that seemed to work for all of them. Things ran smoothly for a while, with a few small setbacks here and there.

Although they gained physical custody of the children, visitation was granted to their biological mom. At first, the only issue was that they would come back from a weekend with her and be completely different kids. They would forget about rules and manners and respect. Things eventually got worse. Although her husband was giving his ex-wife, the kids’ mother, cash to pay the mortgage every month, it wasn’t being paid. She lost the house. She and her boyfriend, who’d been living in the house with her, moved into a trailer with his parents. That’s when things really got crazy.

Thinking back on it now, she knows that God had a plan and that He was in control of everything that happened, but at the time… she felt like she was living a nightmare.

The weekend visitation became less planned and more sporadic. Mom couldn’t take them this weekend because she didn’t have any food. She couldn’t take them the next because she had nowhere to take them. There was a point when stepmom and her husband allowed their mom to take kids to the trailer where they were living, but that didn’t last too long. They would come home with horror stories about what was taking place. There were drugs in plain sight and being used while they were there. Guns and knives, weapons of all sorts, were lying around where the kids could easily access them if they so desired. Needless to say, she was not allowed to take the kids there for her visitation once we found this out. For a while, stepmom and dad agreed to pay for a hotel room for the kids’ visitation with their mom. But that eventually came to an end as well, considering she still didn’t have food for them.  It wasn’t hard to believe, considering mom and her boyfriend did not have jobs. Then, they decided to go to truck driving school, paid for by her father. A few months later, they were a cross country driving team. They would show up every few months and want to see the kids and stepmom and dad usually dropped everything to make that happen. This went on for another couple of years until the couple had decided to call it quits. They broke up and bio mom had to come home. Funny thing though, she had nothing to come home to, so she moved back into the trailer with her now ex-boyfriend’s family.  And that is where she remains to this very day.  Her ex has since been married, twice. He’s actually turned out to be a decent guy. Stepmom remembers the story that the kids told her about how he once prevented bio mom from leaving the kids in a hotel room to go buy drugs and from taking them with her to buy drugs. Seems that he breaking up with her was one of the smartest things he’s done.

There were many stories like this that stepmom and dad heard from the children through the years. Eventually, it led to them deciding mom couldn’t see them anymore until she got her life together. That was not a pleasant conversation to have with her. She wanted to know if they wanted her to give up her parental rights. Of course they said no, they would never ask her to do that. They just explained that it was safer for the children if she only contacted them by phone or text. It would be months before the kids would hear from her after that. She did try, stepmom was able to get her into rehab for the drugs, but she didn’t complete the program. Maybe there was nothing she could do to get out of the situation she was in. It seemed like a lost cause most times, but stepmom was determined to try to fix everything. Stepmom and dad even offered to get her an apartment and pay her bills until she got on her feet. She turned down the offer because they told her that her boyfriend couldn’t live there with her. They did things to help quite often for the sake of the kids. Nothing worked.

Here it is, years later, and it’s been almost seven years since the two youngest have even seen their biological mom. They children are thriving. One has just started college and the other is in his junior year of high school. Recently, they told stepmom that they no longer desire a relationship with her. They said she is not their mom and hasn’t been for a long time. She couldn’t imagine her babies saying that about her.

The oldest baby, well that’s another story. He’s had a hard time. He didn’t want to leave his mom and move in with his dad and his new wife. He continued to struggle through school. He didn’t want to do his work or follow the rules. But there finally came a time where he was getting by. School was ok, but he only did enough to skate by. When it came time for graduation, he didn’t meet all the requirements he needed to get his diploma. He walked across the stage on that very special day, but he only received a certificate of completion. It would take him another three months to pass the test needed to get his diploma, but he did get it. Then what, his only choices were a job, the military or college. He was a self-admittedly lazy child. He used to say that he got it from his mom. He didn’t want to go to college because it was too much work; he didn’t want a job because he wasn’t qualified for anything he liked. The military it was. He didn’t graduate boot camp with his fellow soldiers; he didn’t meet the requirements needed for that. It would take him another month. That would be two graduations that dad and stepmom missed out on. After he finally graduated, he received his duty station. It would take him six thousand miles away from home, to a foreign country. He was excited. Dad and stepmom were nervous, but trusted that God would take care of him. After the first year, it seemed things took a turn for the worse. From his social media posts, they could tell he was doing things that he shouldn’t be. The phone calls home went from constant to sporadic and then to almost nothing. And then one day, stepmom received a text asking if they could pick him up from the airport “tomorrow.” He was getting out. They would soon find out that it wasn’t his choice. Now, twenty one years old, he moved back home. There were rules and expectations that stepmom and dad had for him. That was a struggle. They knew that he had been carrying on a relationship with his bio mom via phone and video chat while he was away. They didn’t mind, he was old enough to deal with that situation how he saw fit. They did, however, worry that she would break his heart again, but he would need to deal with that. She prayed he wouldn’t have to.

He lasted almost three months in their home before moving in with his mom. They were still in the trailer that would be condemned if family services were ever called. The refrigerator sits on the front porch, who knows why. The stove had to be removed because there was a nest of rats living in it. The bathroom had a huge, gaping hole in the floor. But alas, after years of being adamant that he would never live there, this is where you will find him. He’s been there for a week today. Yesterday, his stepmom asked him if he wanted to come home. His answer, “I’ll let you know.” She knew he was happy there, if only because he was with his mom. But still, she worries. Any mother would. She worries about his safety, his psychological well-being, his physical health and all the other things that real moms care about. She knows there’s nothing she can do. He will either change his attitude, move back home and get his life together or stay where he is and get his life together. Or, and she’s prays this is not the case, he will stay there and decide nothing is as important to him as being with his mom, no matter what state they are living in. No matter what happens, he will be responsible for the outcome, based on his choices. She will not blame is mom, or give credit to herself or his father, for the result. He is an adult and it is all on his shoulders now.  A part of her knows that a real mom would do what is best for her child, not encourage him to stay where there is no future. But alas, she is also a mom who has lost two of her children and will do whatever she has to in order to avoid losing the third. After all, she just got him back after missing the last ten years of his life. Again, even being a stepmom, she knows what it means to put her children’s needs above her wants. She believes that is what makes her such an amazing mom. It reminds her of the bible story of King Solomon. He was faced with two women who claimed to be the mother of one child. In order to determine who the true mother was, he told the women that he was going to cut the child in half and they could each have a piece. Knowing that the child would die, the true mother gave up the child to the other woman in order to save the child.

A woman, who never had children of her own, now realizes that they are her most important accomplishments. She will continue to love, encourage and support her children, all of her children, with her whole heart; even if the decisions they made caused that heart to break.

when she was young

The letter fell from her hand and drifted to the floor. She rushed to the bathroom and into the first available stall, where she immediately relieved herself of her lunch. She could hear murmurs and what sounded like, “Are you okay?” and was barely able to answer to the affirmative. She cleared her throat and repeated, “I’ll be fine, thank you.” But she knew that was far from the truth. Georgia decided to take the rest of the day off.

She grabbed her things from her office, including the letter she had dropped, sent an email to her secretary asking her to cancel all appointments for the day due to a personal matter and then she headed home. After a long, hot shower, she was now comfortably seated on her sofa. She pulled the folded envelope out of her purse, took a deep breath and read the letter for the second time.

Dear Ms. Winchester,

I pray this letter finds you and finds you well. My name is Hilly and I work at Greenville Manor. Your mother, Caroline, has been a resident here for the last twelve years. In my line of work, we are not supposed to get too close to our patients. Actually, we are encouraged to keep our distance and just do our jobs. I couldn’t seem to do that with your mother. She opened up to me almost immediately and we’ve become pretty good friends. She’s told me so much about you and her past. It’s not my place to share everything with you, but I know she has regrets. She also has no idea that I am writing you. However, the purpose of this letter is to let you know that she is not in the best of health. I know you have had no contact with her in years, but I felt I owed it to her to ask you to come. I know I don’t have to tell you not to feel obligated, but I also know that it might benefit you both to have some closure. I have enclosed my contact information, should you have any questions. I understand what I’m asking may be difficult, but please be quick to decide. Your mother doesn’t have much time left.

Sincerely,

Hilly Gordon

Georgia folded the letter, set it on the table and picked up her glass of water. ‘Maybe I should take up drinking alcohol.’ she thought. And then she remembered why she never touched the stuff. It was hard growing up with an alcoholic, among other things, as a mother. She took a deep breath, closed her eyes and wished for sleep to come quickly. Tomorrow, she’d think tomorrow.

…to be continued

 

 

growing up mommy (pt. 7)

a continuation of growing up mommy (pt. 6)

the youngest baby…

He was seven years old when he moved in with us.  Just the cutest little boy I’d ever seen. Little did I know that he’d capture my heart the way he did.

a miracle child…

To his biological mom, he was known as the miracle baby.  From what I understand, she was diagnosed with cancer.  According to the doctors, her pregnancy slowed the progression of that cancer and ultimately saved her life.  Hence, the baby saved her.  I am assuming that situation created a special bond between mother and son.  This what a different kind of bond than the one she shared with her oldest child.  And remember, there wasn’t much of a bond at all with her daughter.

adjusting to the move…

I guess the family dynamic, that was the biological mom and children, was a little dysfunctional from the start.  But alas, this is about my baby boy.  When he moved in, I believe he adjusted the quickest.  He was a happy, witty child.  His one liners would make us laugh until our bellies hurt.  He got that from his daddy.  Now there’s a bond that would rival most.  I’d have to say, this little boy had his daddy’s looks and quick humor.  The two of them together was like a self made comedy act.  Dinner time was the best, it was like a meal and a show every night and my favorite time of the day.

mommy issues…

He had the hardest time dealing with his bio mom’s sporadic visits.  Every three or four months, she and her boyfriend would show up and keep the kids for a weekend.  Every time they dropped the kids off at home, my little boy would cry for hours.  I think, at the time, it was because he just never knew when she’d show up again.  It broke my heart.  And just so you know, this is another reason that the visits had to stop.  It just wasn’t healthy for any of the kids.

growing closer…

Maybe it’s because he was so young, maybe it was because he was desperate for a mother figure, but we grew close fairly quickly and I immediately became momma.  But, I became much more than that.  We would watch shows together, I’d read to him, he’d read to me and eventually, we came up with a nickname.  I really don’t remember how it came about, but for the last four years, I’ve been his Punkin and he’s been mine.  Not pumpkin, mind you, but Punkin.  Every text and every phone call, every time I tuck him in bed, it ends with “I love you Punkin.”  Now my “baby” boy is sixteen years old.  No matter how old he gets, he’s always going to be my Punkin.

This boy holds my heart in the palm of his hand…

blessed momma

It is the most heartbreaking, nerve racking, amazing love ever! That’s how a friend describes a mother’s love. I’ve come to the conclusion that this is the perfect definition. Being a mom is tough. Having someone depend on you for their every need and want, feeling like a failure when you make a mistake. I’ve made my fair share in the last ten years.

I don’t consider myself a stepmom. I AM A MOM, my kids just happen to be born before I met them. I have helped raise three wonderful kids and they’ve grown into some pretty awesome young adults. It’s a great feeling of accomplishment, when you see that your children have become productive members of society. It’s even better when you realize how much they love and live for God.

All in all, I’d have to say I’ve succeeded in being a good mom. But that road to success was often paved with obstacles. Some I had to get over, others I had to go around and there were those that I just had to move aside. It wasn’t always easy. I’ve said things I didn’t mean. I’ve done things I shouldn’t have done. I’ve made my children angry, upset and unfortunately, I’ve made them feel unwanted at times. I’ve hurt them. I am not proud of the mistakes I’ve made, but I have learned from them. I’ve had to put on my big girl panties, face my kids and ask for forgiveness. Fortunately, I received it. How many parents know that they’ve made mistakes, but never even ask for forgiveness? Many think they don’t have to apologize for anything, but they’d be wrong. Trust me, I’ve been on both sides of the coin.

Being a mom is forever. No matter how old or how far away they are and even when they have kids of their own, they will always be my babies. I’m sure I will make mistakes in the future, but I pray they are few and far between. My kids know that I’m far from perfect and they love me in spite of it. I pray that God will help me be the mom that He wants me to be, the mom that He blessed and trusted with three lives. I’m so very thankful that God’s plan for my life far exceeded my own.