It’s the fourth of July and I’ve been in my pj’s all day. My daughter had to work, my husband had to work and my son spent the day with his friends. Not that I’m complaining about them working or being gone; I wanted a day to myself and I had the perfect day planned. I wanted to do absolutely nothing, so I sat on the couch and watched movies ALL day. Well, I also managed to do all the laundry and cook an amazing roast in the crock pot. I sporadically scrolled through my Facebook feed throughout the day. I mean, who doesn’t do that nowadays; right!
As I’m scrolling, I see how all of my friends have spent the holiday and I can’t help but feel somewhat envious. I know that jealousy is not becoming, but I couldn’t help it. I’m happy for my friends. I’m happy they have families that they can spend time with and enjoy, not just on the holidays, but every day. I just wish that my kids, husband and I had the same thing.
It’s my fault, so I shouldn’t be complaining, right? I am the one that chose to cut my family out of my life. There were reasons, of course there were reasons… so what do you do? I could try to mend the fences with my parents. It would be so easy. They would be happy that I accept them the way they are and the way they treat me, but I would go back to being miserable. We would have somewhere to be on holidays, my kids would have their grandparents and cousins, aunts and uncles. But I would have to go back to walking on eggshells to make sure I don’t offend someone. Is that fair? We have other sides of the family and we don’t have anything to do with them either. There are biological moms, cousins, aunts and uncles. Is it wrong of us to cut all of these people out of our lives?
Bottom line is this, we have no one and it hurts. It hurts me because I know it hurts my children and my husband. They want the fairy tale family that gets together on every holiday, that laughs together and loves together and we don’t have that. Unfortunately, we have the type of family that wants to drink together and fight each other. We have the kind of family that cares more about their friends and whether or not they are happy than if their actual daughters, sisters or wives are happy. We have the kind of family that would rather do drugs and pills than take care of their children and we have the type of family that is more concerned about what we can do or provide for them rather than spending time with us. We have the kind of family that deserves our forgiveness and our love, but that doesn’t mean we should sacrifice our peace to have relationships with them.
I must choose my peace over unhealthy relationships and my joy over toxic people. Will it still hurt? Of course. Will I still wish things could be different? Absolutely. I will always long for that perfect, comforting and supportive family; the one I’ve never had. I will always mourn the family that I wish they were.