Reblogged 🙂
facing reality: my kid hates me
It’s easy to pretend things are a certain way when you can’t see the reality of the situation, when you don’t permit your mind to go there. Sure, you have thoughts and ideas of how things are, but then reality comes along and slaps you in the face.
Until this point, I had no idea how bad it was.
You spend a good portion of your adult life pouring yourself and everything you have into someone just to have them hate you. You all know what I mean, I’m talking about our kids… I’ve often heard it said that if your child doesn’t hate you at some point then you aren’t doing a good job as a parent. I guess I can take comfort in that.
Look, I’ve already explained that I made mistakes as a parent. I know I’ve learned from those mistakes and because of them, I am a much better person and mom. But, at some point, your child (especially your adult child) must take responsibility for his actions and choices. He can’t spend the rest of his life blaming others for his current situation. And his situation, as much as he wants to pretend isn’t, is disastrous.
Truth Time: My kid is in trouble and he has no one watching out for him. After being separated from the Army, he moved back home. Two months of rules, which included paying rent and keeping a job, he decided it was too much responsibility. He made the choice to move in with his biological mother. We have been able to keep tabs, so to speak, on him through social media. We’ve seen the way that he is living and it breaks our hearts, especially because we know there’s nothing we can do. I chose to stop looking, not because I didn’t care, but because I cared too much. Out of sight, out of mind, right?
You’d like to believe that, wouldn’t you?! Your children are never out of your mind and are a continuous source of worry. But again, there is only so much you can do. I believe we gave the same opportunities to each one of our children. Opportunities to succeed in life and better themselves. They had choices and they had consequences to those choices. Those consequences could be good or bad, based on their decisions. Make a good decision, be rewarded. Make a bad decision and face the repercussions. By no means were our punishments out of the norm. Grounding, taking away electronics, etc; if that is enough to make you the world’s worst parent in the eyes of your child, then so be it.
My son hates me for wanting a better life for him. I had to accept that.
I was okay with him feeling the way he did about me, but to attack his siblings… that’s a completely different matter. And one I was not prepared to deal with.
Reality Hits Home: A friend of my youngest ran into his brother yesterday. The conversation went something like this:
- S: You’re my brother’s friend, right?
- C: Yes
- S: F*** that guy.
- C: You came over here to tell me that?
- S: Nah man, but f*** him and that whole family. That whole family is a façade. F*** them.
- C: What?
- S: I heard he’s trying to get in the military.
- C: He’s already enlisted, so he’s in.
- S: Oh well, he’s just trying to one up me. F*** him.
- C: What is the point of this conversation?
- S: You know, man, just that whole family is f***** up and it’s all a façade.
- C: O….K…
- C walks away scratching his head, calls D to fill him in.
Now, the reaction of my other kids didn’t surprise me. They’ve been numb to this kind of thing for a while now. I guess lots of practice from dealing with previous similar situations. They went through feelings of sadness at the loss of one mom and now the loss of their brother, but they have been extremely resilient. So the reaction to this latest attack was laughter. They knew none of it was true so why give any validation to it?
I could learn a thing or ten from my two youngest. I really should have just blown it off and laughed, like they did.
But, y’all know that isn’t me… I had to over analyze every word and try to figure out the whys. If I could dissect every aspect of this conversation, I could find a way to fix everything.
First, I was heartbroken. Hate me all you want, but your brother and sister did nothing to you. Once the heartbreak passed, the anger hit. Anger, that’s something I’ve struggled with all my life. I get angry and then I want vengeance. Someone hurts me or my family and I want to punish them and make them hurt just as much. But, not this time. I know S is suffering. I know he’s not happy with the way things are and I know he has to want more out of life. So rather than be angry with him, I am choosing to pray. I will pray for him to figure out what’s important in life and to change his ways so he can accomplish and acquire those things. I will continue to have hope for him, the same way I have been hoping his mother would improve her situation over the last twelve years. I have hope that things will change and they will be happy and that maybe one day, we will be able to mend our relationships.
In the meantime, I will find pleasure in watching my youngest son and my daughter flourish. I will take pride in their accomplishments. I will continue to watch them work hard to achieve the goals they have set for themselves. Goals that will allow them to be productive members of society, goals that will allow them to be happy.
After all, that’s what every parent wants for their kids, right?
breaking the cycle
As you know, if you’ve been following and reading my blog for a while, there wasn’t much laughter in my childhood. When you grow up the way I did, It’s easy to become damaged. It’s easy to grow into an adult with low self esteem, believing you are totally worthless. And, if you’re not careful, it’s easy to make your own children believe the same thing.
Yes, you heard me right. After all, how do you learn to parent? How do you know how to discipline your children, how to encourage them? If your parents brought you chicken noodle soup when you were sick, wouldn’t that be what you’d give your child if they were sick? Why? Because, we are trained to believe that the way our parents raise us is the right way. Even if their way makes us feel, well, less than loved; we still think that’s the way it’s supposed to be.
Have you ever heard the saying, “The abused becomes the abuser?” It sounds absurd, right? I can remember saying that I would never treat my kids the way I was treated when I was growing up. And unfortunately, I had picked up some pretty bad habits. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I was even a fraction of the meanster (yes, that’s how I saw it) that I grew up with. But, I will admit that in my attempts to make my children understand the depths of their mistakes, I know I went a little too far. I can remember my husband saying to me, “Remember how you felt when your dad talked to you that way?” Stupid… that’s exactly how I would feel. And I remember the first time one of my kids told me that I made them feel stupid. And the first time wasn’t the last. Something had to change.
I had to break the cycle. And I did.
Now, I am not trying to make excuses. I am just saying that I didn’t know any better. I can assure you and I hope you know me well enough to believe that I am not the type of person that is mean because I enjoy it. There are truly some sick people who actually find pleasure in seeing others suffer. That is definitely not me. My kids know that I have always wanted what is best for them. I just went about it the wrong way… in the beginning.
I had to re-learn what a parent was supposed to be. I had to learn to accept constructive criticism from my husband. It wasn’t easy, I had to realize that it was okay for him to tell me when I was wrong because he was doing it for my good. He wasn’t putting me down for my shortcomings. He wasn’t trying to make me feel stupid. He was trying to help and thank God, it worked!
With my husband’s help, my children’s patience and with God given wisdom, I became a phenomenal mom. I am absolutely far from perfect, any one of my kids could attest to that, but they know that I want the best for them. I want them to be better than I ever was. Even after all the mistakes I have made, my kids will never have to question if they are loved. I believe that makes me a successful mom, if nothing more.
Choices
It’s the fourth of July and I’ve been in my pj’s all day. My daughter had to work, my husband had to work and my son spent the day with his friends. Not that I’m complaining about them working or being gone; I wanted a day to myself and I had the perfect day planned. I wanted to do absolutely nothing, so I sat on the couch and watched movies ALL day. Well, I also managed to do all the laundry and cook an amazing roast in the crock pot. I sporadically scrolled through my Facebook feed throughout the day. I mean, who doesn’t do that nowadays; right!
As I’m scrolling, I see how all of my friends have spent the holiday and I can’t help but feel somewhat envious. I know that jealousy is not becoming, but I couldn’t help it. I’m happy for my friends. I’m happy they have families that they can spend time with and enjoy, not just on the holidays, but every day. I just wish that my kids, husband and I had the same thing.
It’s my fault, so I shouldn’t be complaining, right? I am the one that chose to cut my family out of my life. There were reasons, of course there were reasons… so what do you do? I could try to mend the fences with my parents. It would be so easy. They would be happy that I accept them the way they are and the way they treat me, but I would go back to being miserable. We would have somewhere to be on holidays, my kids would have their grandparents and cousins, aunts and uncles. But I would have to go back to walking on eggshells to make sure I don’t offend someone. Is that fair? We have other sides of the family and we don’t have anything to do with them either. There are biological moms, cousins, aunts and uncles. Is it wrong of us to cut all of these people out of our lives?
Bottom line is this, we have no one and it hurts. It hurts me because I know it hurts my children and my husband. They want the fairy tale family that gets together on every holiday, that laughs together and loves together and we don’t have that. Unfortunately, we have the type of family that wants to drink together and fight each other. We have the kind of family that cares more about their friends and whether or not they are happy than if their actual daughters, sisters or wives are happy. We have the kind of family that would rather do drugs and pills than take care of their children and we have the type of family that is more concerned about what we can do or provide for them rather than spending time with us. We have the kind of family that deserves our forgiveness and our love, but that doesn’t mean we should sacrifice our peace to have relationships with them.
I must choose my peace over unhealthy relationships and my joy over toxic people. Will it still hurt? Of course. Will I still wish things could be different? Absolutely. I will always long for that perfect, comforting and supportive family; the one I’ve never had. I will always mourn the family that I wish they were.
Damaged
Daily Prompt: Core
I’m damaged and that’s okay.
Every hurtful word, every harsh action taken against me; I’ve taken it all in and pushed it down. It sits at my core and I can’t let it go. No, I don’t want to let it go. I like the fact that it’s there and I can pull it out whenever I feel the need. When I feel like being angry, I reach down and grab a memory that will allow me to justify my anger. When I want to be sad, I can reflect on a moment from the past that totally broke my heart. And when I feel like I’m a nobody and I don’t matter, the bitter words from the past echo in my ears; validating my perception.
But, who wants to feel like being angry? Who wants to be sad? Who feels like a nobody and that they don’t matter?
Me. Because I’m damaged and that’s okay.
thank you for my scars
Daily Prompt: Slur
I was told stories about how, when I was a toddler, you were the only one who could comfort me. Any time I was sad or hurt, all I wanted was you. As time went on, we grew apart. That is what I was told, but I don’t remember any of that.
What I do remember is being scared. Every time I was around you, the only thing I felt was fear. Well, that’s not exactly true. Sometimes, I would feel hope. Hope that I would hear you say you were proud of me. Hope that you wouldn’t tell me what a disappointment I was. Hope that you wouldn’t call me lazy or worthless. I can still remember the way the words would slur as they poured out of your mouth. Such horrible words. But, what I remember most, is not how the words would sound; I remember how the words would make me feel.
At first, I believed you. I felt like a lazy, worthless disappointment. I was sad, absolutely miserable. But then, something happened. I realized you were wrong and I set out to prove it. I put forth the best effort I could in everything I did. I gave it my all and I succeeded. I was an amazing student, a dedicated worker, and a pretty awesome person. My work ethic was impeccable. It allowed me to graduate high school, work my way through college and eventually start an amazing career. But, still… it wasn’t good enough for you. Finally, I realized I would never be good enough for you. And that’s okay.
My emotional scars have healed, but always serve as a reminder. A reminder of you, the person that helped shape me into the woman I am today. I’m no longer angry. I’m not sad and definitely not miserable. I am an amazing person and I owe part of that to you. I didn’t like your methods, at the time, but they did teach me a thing or two. Although I cannot have a relationship with you now, I have forgiven you. Not for you, but for me. It’s important that you know I love you. And I know you love me too, even if you don’t know how to show it.
I understand you’re still under the impression that you did nothing wrong and you feel you have nothing to apologize for. And, I don’t need you to say you’re sorry… not anymore.
It is well with my soul and I am finally at peace.
Retrospective
In retrospect, I should have told the truth. When you asked why, I should have been honest and told you the truth. But I didn’t, I did what I thought was best at the time; I lied. Nothing has been the same since. My excuse is, I was trying to spare your feelings. Instead, I should have told you the truth and trusted you to understand. Would you have understood? I don’t think so. I believe the outcome would have been the same; however, you would know the truth. Do you want to know? Would it change anything? You would still be hurt, only for a different reason.
What do I do now?
Time
I beg you to stop, just for a moment. But you don't listen. I just need a second, a minute, an hour. But you continue to move as if I've said nothing. I plead and insist to no avail and as if to mock me, you seem to move faster. My resolve is gone as I'm forced to admit, You stop for absolutely no one.
Hope for a Troubled World
There are so many problems in the world today, it’s hard to stay focused on what’s important. Then again, I guess some things that I think are important, others may not and vice versa. I believe everyone has the right to their opinion, but I also believe there is a time and place for everything. With that being said, I’m not hear to argue politics or freedom of speech or racism or boycotting the NFL. I’m just going to tell you what’s on my mind.
I celebrated my birthday on Tuesday of last week. My husband and some close friends took a trip to Tennessee. We were able to relax, sight see, go to Dollywood, and even catch a Braves game on the way back home. It was almost, yes almost, a perfect trip. There was something that happened on our way to Dollywood and I can’t seem to get it off of my mind.
As we’re driving down Chapman Highway, in Seymour, TN; we hear sirens and see lights. There are several accident vehicles, ambulances and police cars and fire trucks, flying by us. Another couple of miles down the road, we reach their destination. Apparently, there was a thirteen month old child that was involved in a hit and run. My husband noticed the toddler lying on the road while a police officer was administering CPR. My friend, who was sitting in the back seat with me, turned and saw the child’s face. That image haunted her for the remainder of the day and for a few days after. We were determined to find out what happened and planned to stop at a nearby business, on the way back, but the business was closed. Again, we just had to know what happened. We were hoping that the child survived and was recovering. Later that evening, we learned the terrible facts of what happened. The little baby died. A thirteen month old little girl was hit by a car and died at the scene.
In the last few days, I have read many disturbing news articles and I just keep asking myself ‘why?’ I read about a female employee, at McDonalds, who gave birth in the restroom at work. A couple of her co-workers went to check on her and found her trying to flush her newborn baby down the toilet. Another article was about a man who strangled his two year old and newborn sons, before setting his house on fire, killing himself while his wife slept.
What is wrong with people? I will never understand and I’d probably drive myself crazy trying to figure it out! This is a lost and dying world that needs Jesus. Since I cannot control other peoples actions, let alone understand them, I will choose to pray for them. I will pray for the lost that commit such heinous acts and I will pray for the innocent that are affected by their actions. I would ask that you do the same. We must live in this crazy world for now, but it’s a comfort knowing that this is only our temporary home. Our true home is in Heaven. While we are on this earth, John 16:33 is also a great comfort. It states “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
Letting Go
The most painful goodbyes are the ones never said and never explained. Sometimes, people just grow apart. No matter how hard you try, you cannot be the kind of friend that everyone needs. There are some that believe you must communicate every day or you’re not friends. Why? Is it insecurity? I have friends that I may not speak to for a week, a month; yet they never question the friendship. Is that because they have confidence in our relationship? I guess the reasons don’t matter. You just have to be you. Some will love you the way you are and others will wish you were different.
Should you change to accommodate others’ needs? What would the consequences be? How long can you fake it and what would be the point? I honestly can’t do it anymore. I’ve come to realize that no matter how hard I try, I will never be enough for some. I just have to be me, what others want is irrelevant. 
Know My Heart 